The Hardships of Mothering

I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember.  I have always loved babies and babysitting.  But when I became a mother something inside me changed.  It wasn't all at once or even when my precious baby girl was a newborn.  It happened months later, around the time I took on two young kids to babysit as well as raising my own one year old.  Going from having just one I now cared for three spanning the ages from 6 months - 18 months.  Very exhausting to say the least, luckily I knew I couldn't handle it before something disastrous happened and I gave up babysitting several months later.  I remember putting all three kids down for naps, whether they slept or not, and I would go to my room, crawl into my bed and bawl.  A horrible feeling.  I remember being near comatose when Jared would get home and I'd start crying at any thing he would say to me.  I still loved him and our daughter but I envisioned things that would make me shudder and cry and go quiet.  I finally got medical help and doing that really made me start to see things clearly again and I started enjoying life a lot more. 

Fast forward several years and I went through similar symptoms as our family grew and got busier.  For the last 6 months I have felt much better than I have in a very long time.  But I'm not the same girl I was when I dreamed of having children, and I miss that girl.  I love the three beautiful, healthy children we have.  I love how each one is so different yet came from the same mould.  I love the sassy personality of Emry.  The take charge attitude she has with her brothers.  I love that she lives to help Jared with the cows and that her favourite animal over a dog or a cat is a cow!  I love that she is sensitive.  I love her wild hair and her hazel eyes.  I love how she is afraid of fire alarms and scopes out buildings for the fire exits.  I love the rough and tumble bone structure of Calum.  I love how he is quick to say he's sorry when someone he loves is hurt physically or emotionally.  I love how he hates doing anything with the cows and would rather hang out with his mom while I wash dishes or do laundry.  I love his thick curly hair and hazel eyes, just like his dads!  I love the spunky, quick to anger personality of our baby hulk, Armin.  I love how he is always sitting on my lap and calling me his sweetheart.  I love his curly hair too and big blue eyes.  He looks up to his brother and sister, he can't wait to get big like them.  I thought they knew I loved them like this, I tell them often and I show them through hugs and kisses.  But do they know it?

Calum went outside last night with Emry and Armin to help Jared bottle feed the calves we are caring for.  When Jared asked me if it was okay that they go, being that it was already 8pm, I readily said yes.  Calum said "Mom always wants us to go, she doesn't want us anymore."  I was floored when he said this.  My sensitive boy who tells me regularly that he loves me spoke exactly how he was feeling, and I didn't have a response for him, other than "of course I want you."  But did he believe me?  Does he actually feel like I want him?  Our family runs on the dysfunctional side.  Bedtime is usually a nightmare, the boys are riled up and usually run around like chickens with their heads cut off. Getting them to sleep usually requires laying with them until their breathing becomes deep and slipping away doesn't make them move in the slightest, all while constantly telling them to be quiet which usually ends with them in tears.  After usually falling asleep ourselves while laying with them we are too tired to do anything normal adults do when the house is quiet, which can be a huge strain in ones relationship.  Mornings come quick, they go much smoother than the bedtime routine but often breakfast is skipped because no one is hungry after only just waking up. 

I often feel as though I fail as a mother...this morning is a prime example...it was 80's day at the school and Calum really wanted to dress up.  The only thing I could think of was having him wear was his Ghostbusters shirt since its a movie from the 80's.  I didn't even think to Google it and see what the 80's were in fact like and if we could have made something for him. I felt terrible sending him to school in his regular clothes, especially after he asked what his clothes could be from the 80's.

What can I do to be a better mom that I'm not already trying?  I know when I felt my best I was saying my prayers and reading my scriptures on a regular basis.  I was living a life of charity and love towards others, I was not judgemental. I was exercising and taking care of myself physically.  Am I neglecting these areas now?  Yes, I surely am!!  I know I can't change everything all at once, so I am going to implement one strategy a week and see how that is making a difference.

I want my children to look back on their childhood with fond memories and know without a doubt that their mother loved them and was always there for them.  I don't want them to ever feel again that I don't want them.  I want them to know that raising them and caring for them was not in fact a sacrifice but a privilege.  A privilege I am grateful for each and everyday...